Here's Why Couples Fight So Much: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
So I knew this guy who thought he did everything he could for his wife, but the wife was just completely unhappy. He couldn't understand why. He would say, "But look! I'm doing all these things for her." But here is the reality... He never told her how much he loved her. He never told her how beautiful she was. Perhaps, he failed to realize that they were speaking in different Love Language.
In his mind it was like, "Why is all that necessary? I make sure to support the family, and take out the trash, and fix things... I'm showing her real love, why are those extra words necessary?"
That's the same as someone who speaks English and talking to a foreigner who doesn't understand English, and being confused about why they could not communicate...
So the whole idea of why couple fight so much is that they might be speaking in different love languages.
In the above example, the man's love language was Acts of Service and his wife's love language was Words of Affirmation.
He spoke the language of Acts of Service and expected his wife to feel loved.
Relationship counselor Gary Chapman, the author of Five Love Languages, concluded after 35 years of marriage counseling that there are essentially 5 emotional love languages in which people can speak show and understand love.
The Five Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
People in relationships often have different love languages which is why as couples progress over time they may run into conflicts when they feel misunderstood or neglected.
Common thoughts people may have when their love languages clash are
- I wish he could love me the way I do...
- If only she could give me more space...
Does this sound familiar to you?
Understanding how the two of you communicate is important in order to grow together in your relationship.
1. Words of Affirmation
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This type of love language involves the use of words to show that you love someone. Someone who prefers this love language would rather hear you say "I love you" and other compliments.
They value uplifting words that demonstrate your supportive and considerate of them. Harsh negative and insulting comments should be avoided because they cut deeply and aren't easily forgotten or forgiven.
2. Quality Time
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This love language involves giving your partner your undivided attention. Unlike using Words of Affirmation, someone with this love language would appreciate it more if their partner spends time with them.
It's normal for schedules to fill up as you've more responsibilities on your plate.
But it's important that you make time in between to be with your lover.
Distractions, postpone dates or failing to listen attentively can all make these individuals feel hurt and disappointed.
3. Receiving Gifts
A person with this love language prefers receiving gifts to feel loved. This doesn't necessarily mean that the person is materialistic.
They most find it meaningful or thoughtful when they know you've stumbled upon something that reminded you of them.
It makes them feel appreciated.
Take your time to find something bright just for them. It's not about how expensive the gift is or whether it's a designer brand, instead the individual cares more about how much you know them.
4. Acts of Service
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Have you ever heard of the saying, "Actions speak louder than words?" For people with this love language, this particular quote fits them perfectly.
These individuals prefer their partners to help them out when things get complicated in life.
Lending a helping hand is the best way to win their heart!
It is best advised not to make broken promises, show laziness, or have a poor work ethic. People with this love language often appreciate the favours you do for them and value any hard work you do that shows you were thinking about them.
5. Physical Touch
This love language involves daily physical connections such as hand-holding, hugging, cuddling, kissing, and any other types of reaffirming physical contact.
People who identify with this loved language prefer affectionate touches over kind words and compliments.
Being touchy-feely with them does make these individuals feel loved and appreciated.
This doesn't necessarily mean they are aggressive about public displays of affection!
Any form of physical abuse or harsh touching is never tolerated from them.
What is your love language?
What about your partner's love language?
What adjustments do you need to accommodate to your partner's love language?
Write them down in Journey now.